Even after forty years as a therapist, I remain struck by the complexity of human nature. You might assume that decades of clinical experience would make people easier to understand — but it doesn’t. Not when we’re dealing with the raw, irrational, and sometimes self‑destructive behaviors that emerge during emotional upheaval. The longer I do this work, the more clearly I see how deeply our internal conflicts shape the choices we cling to, often at a profound personal cost
When Conflict Becomes a Way of Life
Take divorce, for example. I’ve seen it all: the lies, the hidden assets, the endless delays. People drag out the process not because they need more time, but because they want to punish. They refuse to agree to fair terms, stall on financial disclosures, and turn mediation into a battlefield. It becomes a relentless power struggle — fight, fight, fight — even when children are caught in the crossfire.
The Clinical vs. the Human
From a clinical perspective, I can explain it. Personality disorders, trauma histories, attachment wounds — they all play a role. But what I’m talking about isn’t found in a textbook. It’s the human tendency to cling to power, control, and resentment, even when it costs us everything.
It’s heartbreaking. Because beneath all the fighting is a simple truth: life is short. Painfully short. And if people truly understood that, they wouldn’t waste their time trying to “win” a war that leaves everyone — including themselves — depleted.
The Ladder We Refuse to Climb
I often picture it like a ladder. Each rung represents a new chapter, a fresh start. The next rung is full of promise, peace, and possibility. But one foot remains stuck on the rung below, gripping the past with white knuckles. And until that foot lets go, there’s no moving forward.
This is how we hurt ourselves. Not just by hurting others, but by refusing to release what no longer serves us. The longer we stay stuck, the more joy we miss. The more time we lose. And time, once gone, doesn’t come back.
A Call to Let Go
So here’s my invitation — to anyone caught in the spiral of conflict: pause. Ask yourself what you’re really holding onto. Is it worth your peace? Your time? Your future?
Letting go isn’t weakness. It’s wisdom. It’s the quiet strength of someone who knows that healing matters more than winning. And that moving forward begins with one simple act: releasing the rung behind you.